Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Humph! I want my bed back...the one I had when I was 10. It was a cot from a shitty motel in Sedona. I miss that bed more then I miss most things. I remember daydreaming in it...and night dreaming in it. I remember realizing I wanted to be a singer in it...I remember my first broken heart was felt in that bed, I remember reading little house on the prarie in it...Why did my mom make me get rid of that bed!?!?!?! Now I'm stuck with this collapsing IKEA SHITTTT. gah. I WANT my bed back.
Shit. SHIT!!! I got myself tangled again. Apparently I didn't t work out my trauma that was unknowing tossed upon me as child so I keep repeating things over and over again because I'm stuck in a child like state, reacting from where I was frozen. Yeah yeah yeah. I've read it all before, I've gone and sat in the chair and cried and blew my nose with that goddamn tissue....I've talked it out, walked it out, drove it out, yelled it out, punched it out, sang it out, but it just can't get enough of me....or I can't get enough of it. I'm not one to blame, or bitch out loud, I don't tell many people about my inner activities. I assume the majority don't really care....so I write about it. My one way of letting go and feeling some ease...feeling like I'm heard even though I'm not sure anyone could understand what it is I'm talking about....because I don't even get it all the way. Guess that's the beauty of it...Lately I've had a weight on me...stronger then usual. I've spent the last 4 years re parenting myself the best way I knew how to do...I've spent so much time trying to work past these things that keep me from reaching what is I want...or keep me from feeling what is I feel...or keep me locked in dysfunctional ways of relating....but I always end up right back at the beginning. TRAUMA baby. Trauma. So lets start with the leading issue...one at a time I'll peel them away.
Sooo. I know the blood in my veins wont run the same without you,
and I know the sound of my name wont ring the same with out you,
I know you lied everyday, but I still don't ever doubt you,
I know you where never really mine...but I don't wanna live with out you.
but I gotta let it go. Cause he's got 1, 2, 3 and the 4th is me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)