Dark.

Inglorious. Most people feel this way. Most people walk around without a light. They bump into things in the dark for there whole life. Sometimes they bump into things that feel okay, like a pillow...but for the most part they bump into sharp edges. They don't think to feel around for a light switch. It's almost like they prefer the darkness. We walk around living half of what we could be living, seeing nothing and just hoping for something soft.

some work by yours truly

check out some work by yours truly

regulate.

Maybe I’m still drunk from the other night. Maybe. But all I know is your love is a song. I know that I do this to anything good in my life. I find a way to kill it. Break it. Shatter it. destroy it. I find a way to  knock myself down. I find a way to recreate that dying feeling. Well here it is. Last night you were holding me....maybe I was holing you...you were sleeping, of course. I was awake, of course. I was crying. Not because of the wine...because I liked it so much. I like just being wrapped up. I like it. and I want it. but of course it’s too late.  I tend to loose at this game. I think you know that no one will ever do it better. I think we know this. I think you might have caught onto the fact that I’m slightly scared. I think you might see through me a little bit more then I think you do. I think you might actually see me. He I go with the thinking again.

I wish I could be more like her. darker. a piece of your puzzle that actually fits. I wish I was stronger. I wish, I wish, I wish. Everything is so messy....but its clear when your with me. I wish and I think....but this I know. She wont ever know you the way I do. She wont ever kiss you the way I do. She wont ever really listen. I know she can’t touch you like I do. I know that she can’t throw a punch like this one. Ha. She can’t fill these shoes....and no one will fill yours. So 10 years from now....together or alone. that is stays. I wish I could say it in a pretty way like you do with your words. Some clever analogy. Something that makes people melt. Everything I want to say...Stephen Jenkins already wrote...so anything for you will do.

I think that I'm thinking too much about how much I thought about what I was thinking, and now I just feel silly. Kind of loopy, kind of like that first sentence. I think that I might have once more...made a fool of myself and spoke with out thinking first...wait I take that back...I thought so much that what I really wanted to say got lost.. and that's where I begin to feel foolish. All I really wanted to say was something simple. Something very simple and from the heart. All I really wanted to say is I'm trying. On so many levels I'm trying and that is what makes a change.This one is shining. Very very shining. Its love for me. True. just like the first time. just like it was....but new.

Pouring on the inside.

It's pouring on the inside. Straight stare. It's pouring on the inside. When will it stop? I didn't realize what you mean to me till this second...and now its pouring on the inside. I though I was all done. You make all the bad love songs good....I wonder if you know that you've broke my heart 6 times in a matter of 6 months. Once a month. On  roll. Jerk. Right when I get to the top you come back and knock me down. Its bullshit. It's fair to say that I hate loving you, but for the life of me I can't stop

Don't

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VX_-IBcsRtk

Humph! I want my bed back...the one I had when I was 10. It was a cot from a shitty motel in Sedona. I miss that bed more then I miss most things. I remember daydreaming in it...and night dreaming in it. I remember realizing I wanted to be a singer in it...I remember my first broken heart was felt in that bed, I remember reading little house on the prarie in it...Why did my mom make me get rid of that bed!?!?!?! Now I'm stuck with this collapsing IKEA SHITTTT. gah. I WANT my bed back.





Shit. SHIT!!! I got myself tangled again. Apparently I didn't t work out my trauma that was unknowing tossed upon me as child so I keep repeating things over and over again because I'm stuck in a child like state, reacting from where I was frozen. Yeah yeah yeah. I've read it all before, I've gone and sat in the chair and cried and blew my nose with that goddamn tissue....I've talked it out, walked it out, drove it out, yelled it out, punched it out, sang it out, but it just can't get enough of me....or I can't get enough of it. I'm not one to blame, or bitch out loud, I don't tell many people about my inner activities. I assume the majority don't really care....so I write about it. My one way of letting go and feeling some ease...feeling like I'm heard even though I'm not sure anyone could understand what it is I'm talking about....because I don't even get it all the way. Guess that's the beauty of it...Lately I've had a weight on me...stronger then usual. I've spent the last 4 years re parenting myself the best way I knew how to do...I've spent so much time trying to work past these things that keep me from reaching what is I want...or keep me from feeling what is I feel...or keep me locked in dysfunctional ways of relating....but I always end up right back at the beginning.  TRAUMA baby. Trauma. So lets start with the leading issue...one at a time I'll peel them away.


Sooo. I know the blood in my veins wont run the same without you,
and I know the sound of my name wont ring the same with out you,
I know you lied everyday, but I still don't ever doubt you,
I know you where never really mine...but I don't wanna live with out you.
but I gotta let it go. Cause he's got 1, 2, 3 and the 4th is me.