Pouring on the inside.

It's pouring on the inside. Straight stare. It's pouring on the inside. When will it stop? I didn't realize what you mean to me till this second...and now its pouring on the inside. I though I was all done. You make all the bad love songs good....I wonder if you know that you've broke my heart 6 times in a matter of 6 months. Once a month. On  roll. Jerk. Right when I get to the top you come back and knock me down. Its bullshit. It's fair to say that I hate loving you, but for the life of me I can't stop

Don't

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VX_-IBcsRtk

Humph! I want my bed back...the one I had when I was 10. It was a cot from a shitty motel in Sedona. I miss that bed more then I miss most things. I remember daydreaming in it...and night dreaming in it. I remember realizing I wanted to be a singer in it...I remember my first broken heart was felt in that bed, I remember reading little house on the prarie in it...Why did my mom make me get rid of that bed!?!?!?! Now I'm stuck with this collapsing IKEA SHITTTT. gah. I WANT my bed back.





Shit. SHIT!!! I got myself tangled again. Apparently I didn't t work out my trauma that was unknowing tossed upon me as child so I keep repeating things over and over again because I'm stuck in a child like state, reacting from where I was frozen. Yeah yeah yeah. I've read it all before, I've gone and sat in the chair and cried and blew my nose with that goddamn tissue....I've talked it out, walked it out, drove it out, yelled it out, punched it out, sang it out, but it just can't get enough of me....or I can't get enough of it. I'm not one to blame, or bitch out loud, I don't tell many people about my inner activities. I assume the majority don't really care....so I write about it. My one way of letting go and feeling some ease...feeling like I'm heard even though I'm not sure anyone could understand what it is I'm talking about....because I don't even get it all the way. Guess that's the beauty of it...Lately I've had a weight on me...stronger then usual. I've spent the last 4 years re parenting myself the best way I knew how to do...I've spent so much time trying to work past these things that keep me from reaching what is I want...or keep me from feeling what is I feel...or keep me locked in dysfunctional ways of relating....but I always end up right back at the beginning.  TRAUMA baby. Trauma. So lets start with the leading issue...one at a time I'll peel them away.


Sooo. I know the blood in my veins wont run the same without you,
and I know the sound of my name wont ring the same with out you,
I know you lied everyday, but I still don't ever doubt you,
I know you where never really mine...but I don't wanna live with out you.
but I gotta let it go. Cause he's got 1, 2, 3 and the 4th is me.

Gooood.

You're a user. A user of a few things. Narcotics, boring words, people, ME. I'm an idiot. I can't blame you, maybe because I love you or convinced myself its love...I don't know..but. I really wish I could. I might continue to for a little while longer...I have a soft spot for for your inconsistencies. I have a soft spot for your faults, for some reason they make me want you more...it the dark parts that I want to be let into, its the hurt that always pulls me in. Wipe this heart clean. moving on down the line. I used to think that maybe I might sing that song for you. Made for you. Or not. here we gooooo. Silly girl, you fell for it again.

Unnervingly Beautiful. I have no reason to move anymore. Thanks Penelope. 

Set fire to the 3rd bar-

The video/song had the best build up. It really takes you on a ride. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWGiK8N8Z_w

Everything I want to say...Stephan Jenkins already said.

I remember you and me used to spend the whole goddamn day in bed. NOT. I'm wounded...everything moves in slow motion. Anything for you, till my castles blue. I would like to build something, but you'll never see it happen. Burning. Because I live to be....you're making me want you, blinded, I keep on forgetting myself. Just give me a call when you feel better. Shit. I'm blinded when I see you, blinded. I want to fog up your mirror, and go faster...I wanna be you're crystal baller, I wanna show you how it ends. I'm a misfit and I carry you around...in the background. I may be loosing a whole year...I've never felt so alone and I've never felt so alive.  I wanna be good for you, I wanna taste the salt on your skin...but you're a burning man. I wonder how it's gonna be when you don't know me....because I'm almost pretty sure I can take anymore.