Everything I want to say...Stephan Jenkins already said.

I remember you and me used to spend the whole goddamn day in bed. NOT. I'm wounded...everything moves in slow motion. Anything for you, till my castles blue. I would like to build something, but you'll never see it happen. Burning. Because I live to be....you're making me want you, blinded, I keep on forgetting myself. Just give me a call when you feel better. Shit. I'm blinded when I see you, blinded. I want to fog up your mirror, and go faster...I wanna be you're crystal baller, I wanna show you how it ends. I'm a misfit and I carry you around...in the background. I may be loosing a whole year...I've never felt so alone and I've never felt so alive.  I wanna be good for you, I wanna taste the salt on your skin...but you're a burning man. I wonder how it's gonna be when you don't know me....because I'm almost pretty sure I can take anymore.

love song.

Everything is a love song. Everything is. My floor, my hair, the smells, the rain, the stop lights, the smiles, the secrets, the blankets the smells, the fire, the space. Everything is a love song..... Sweet. Honest. Innocent. Pure. Challenge. Break. Move. Forward. Careful. Open. Knotted. Healing along side someone. Healing. Heal. Wounded.....? yes. Broken....? no. Open...? always. The board was there to balance me, an act of god. No one knows what I'm talking about now...and if you think you do, you're wrong because I don't even know what I'm talking about...I know this though, almost lovers hurt you and hearts don't break even. Full love and a ruler. That's what I'm asking for. I wish...no I don't wish...I will someday learn how to love the right one.

I want to talk about bath tubs. I have a white one at my current home...I like it. Its big enough for me, not that I need a huge on because I'm only 5'2", but I like a tub that I can go all the way under water in. If I had it my way I'd be able to stretch out my feet as well. When I get to the point of owning my own mansion...yes mansion I will put claw food bath tubs in and my christmas trees will be decorated in white lights...that is till I have children...assuming I do. I hope I do. When I have Children they will most likely want colored lights, I will allow this. I will also make then pancakes every Saturday morning. I wont force them to wear those awful pajamas with the feet covered. I wont ever let them get cold. Warm children.

the man that just walked by my window said "any day we're hanging out, I don't want to hear any singing or dancing". I'm trying not to pull apart his grammar. GAHHHH. lights out.

State of Board.

what to write about when one is not in misery...? I can fool them, but I'm always stuck with the truth of myself. Misery. What a word. What a feeling. Maybe its not so much misery as it is too many choices. Too many choices creates misery...No, it creates confusion...it throws one into circles, debates, struggles...if I choose this one then I get this, this and this...but I might miss out on this...its not misery... its a way to keep us trapped, which in my mind is misery? Its a way we keep ourselves trapped. Trapped? hmm...is one ever really trapped? maybe one could be trapped on an island...no, not really you still have the option to swim off. You risk dying and possible pain but you still have the choice to leave. Question answered. We always have a choice....to MANY. Good god, another circle....But at least I know now that it is only "I" that can keep my self in this "misery". I have to say....my you look lovey when you speak to me...I happen to like your teeth a lot. I like the surprised look you give me when I'm doing something silly or saying something awkward like I usually do. I bet you're wonder if I'm writing this about you. I'm writing this about all of you. I'm done writing this nonsense...off to work on my very limited resume.

getting by...by getting.

I had a dream last night. I was dead. Watching my dead self. Dead asleep. Sleep. Falling into sleep. I feel desperate still at times...but I'm practicing self control. Control. Such a hard thing to grasp. I feel like I should be a certain way still...at times I am a certain way...other times I am a very uncertain way. Oh for the sake of it. For the sake of telling a good story. For the sake of the song. Long movements, forced words, giving up my body for a few scars. I don't want you. I want me. I want a conversation. I want a pretty sky, I want, I want I want. How selfish of me....its about time. Mirrors. Oh mirrors. Sometimes everything is so much clearer through a mirror. Ask me what wrong with you...I'll tell you at least 10 things from worse to horrible...it gets better? no. Ask me what's wrong with me...I'll dodge and weave go in circles....like I said, hand me down. The funny thing is...no one is handing me down right now, They're reaching for me. It's strange. I don't know what to do with it, I don't know if I like it. Love is misery in my mind. My mind has no love. Love is bigger then my mind and will eventually tell my mind whose boss. My mind and me are not getting a long at the moment ....SEE! there...My mind is not me...I am not my mind. Thank god for gravity...I'd be a mess with out it.

I never wanted much from anyone...I demand things of myself, but for you l'll keep it simple. It started with white sheets, a kiss on the forehead, and breakfast and a conversation that moves. This is what I want. Have wanted, and will want. Red dirt hurts when it gets in your eyes...so does salt water. I'm not lonely but I still feel alone. I'm not restless, but I feel the adrenaline. I'm not at a standstill but I'm standing. Lay me down. I want some fiddle in my life.