some work by yours truly

check out some work by yours truly

regulate.

Maybe I’m still drunk from the other night. Maybe. But all I know is your love is a song. I know that I do this to anything good in my life. I find a way to kill it. Break it. Shatter it. destroy it. I find a way to  knock myself down. I find a way to recreate that dying feeling. Well here it is. Last night you were holding me....maybe I was holing you...you were sleeping, of course. I was awake, of course. I was crying. Not because of the wine...because I liked it so much. I like just being wrapped up. I like it. and I want it. but of course it’s too late.  I tend to loose at this game. I think you know that no one will ever do it better. I think we know this. I think you might have caught onto the fact that I’m slightly scared. I think you might see through me a little bit more then I think you do. I think you might actually see me. He I go with the thinking again.

I wish I could be more like her. darker. a piece of your puzzle that actually fits. I wish I was stronger. I wish, I wish, I wish. Everything is so messy....but its clear when your with me. I wish and I think....but this I know. She wont ever know you the way I do. She wont ever kiss you the way I do. She wont ever really listen. I know she can’t touch you like I do. I know that she can’t throw a punch like this one. Ha. She can’t fill these shoes....and no one will fill yours. So 10 years from now....together or alone. that is stays. I wish I could say it in a pretty way like you do with your words. Some clever analogy. Something that makes people melt. Everything I want to say...Stephen Jenkins already wrote...so anything for you will do.

I think that I'm thinking too much about how much I thought about what I was thinking, and now I just feel silly. Kind of loopy, kind of like that first sentence. I think that I might have once more...made a fool of myself and spoke with out thinking first...wait I take that back...I thought so much that what I really wanted to say got lost.. and that's where I begin to feel foolish. All I really wanted to say was something simple. Something very simple and from the heart. All I really wanted to say is I'm trying. On so many levels I'm trying and that is what makes a change.This one is shining. Very very shining. Its love for me. True. just like the first time. just like it was....but new.

Pouring on the inside.

It's pouring on the inside. Straight stare. It's pouring on the inside. When will it stop? I didn't realize what you mean to me till this second...and now its pouring on the inside. I though I was all done. You make all the bad love songs good....I wonder if you know that you've broke my heart 6 times in a matter of 6 months. Once a month. On  roll. Jerk. Right when I get to the top you come back and knock me down. Its bullshit. It's fair to say that I hate loving you, but for the life of me I can't stop

Don't

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VX_-IBcsRtk

Humph! I want my bed back...the one I had when I was 10. It was a cot from a shitty motel in Sedona. I miss that bed more then I miss most things. I remember daydreaming in it...and night dreaming in it. I remember realizing I wanted to be a singer in it...I remember my first broken heart was felt in that bed, I remember reading little house on the prarie in it...Why did my mom make me get rid of that bed!?!?!?! Now I'm stuck with this collapsing IKEA SHITTTT. gah. I WANT my bed back.





Shit. SHIT!!! I got myself tangled again. Apparently I didn't t work out my trauma that was unknowing tossed upon me as child so I keep repeating things over and over again because I'm stuck in a child like state, reacting from where I was frozen. Yeah yeah yeah. I've read it all before, I've gone and sat in the chair and cried and blew my nose with that goddamn tissue....I've talked it out, walked it out, drove it out, yelled it out, punched it out, sang it out, but it just can't get enough of me....or I can't get enough of it. I'm not one to blame, or bitch out loud, I don't tell many people about my inner activities. I assume the majority don't really care....so I write about it. My one way of letting go and feeling some ease...feeling like I'm heard even though I'm not sure anyone could understand what it is I'm talking about....because I don't even get it all the way. Guess that's the beauty of it...Lately I've had a weight on me...stronger then usual. I've spent the last 4 years re parenting myself the best way I knew how to do...I've spent so much time trying to work past these things that keep me from reaching what is I want...or keep me from feeling what is I feel...or keep me locked in dysfunctional ways of relating....but I always end up right back at the beginning.  TRAUMA baby. Trauma. So lets start with the leading issue...one at a time I'll peel them away.


Sooo. I know the blood in my veins wont run the same without you,
and I know the sound of my name wont ring the same with out you,
I know you lied everyday, but I still don't ever doubt you,
I know you where never really mine...but I don't wanna live with out you.
but I gotta let it go. Cause he's got 1, 2, 3 and the 4th is me.

Gooood.

You're a user. A user of a few things. Narcotics, boring words, people, ME. I'm an idiot. I can't blame you, maybe because I love you or convinced myself its love...I don't know..but. I really wish I could. I might continue to for a little while longer...I have a soft spot for for your inconsistencies. I have a soft spot for your faults, for some reason they make me want you more...it the dark parts that I want to be let into, its the hurt that always pulls me in. Wipe this heart clean. moving on down the line. I used to think that maybe I might sing that song for you. Made for you. Or not. here we gooooo. Silly girl, you fell for it again.

Unnervingly Beautiful. I have no reason to move anymore. Thanks Penelope. 

Set fire to the 3rd bar-

The video/song had the best build up. It really takes you on a ride. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWGiK8N8Z_w

Everything I want to say...Stephan Jenkins already said.

I remember you and me used to spend the whole goddamn day in bed. NOT. I'm wounded...everything moves in slow motion. Anything for you, till my castles blue. I would like to build something, but you'll never see it happen. Burning. Because I live to be....you're making me want you, blinded, I keep on forgetting myself. Just give me a call when you feel better. Shit. I'm blinded when I see you, blinded. I want to fog up your mirror, and go faster...I wanna be you're crystal baller, I wanna show you how it ends. I'm a misfit and I carry you around...in the background. I may be loosing a whole year...I've never felt so alone and I've never felt so alive.  I wanna be good for you, I wanna taste the salt on your skin...but you're a burning man. I wonder how it's gonna be when you don't know me....because I'm almost pretty sure I can take anymore.

love song.

Everything is a love song. Everything is. My floor, my hair, the smells, the rain, the stop lights, the smiles, the secrets, the blankets the smells, the fire, the space. Everything is a love song..... Sweet. Honest. Innocent. Pure. Challenge. Break. Move. Forward. Careful. Open. Knotted. Healing along side someone. Healing. Heal. Wounded.....? yes. Broken....? no. Open...? always. The board was there to balance me, an act of god. No one knows what I'm talking about now...and if you think you do, you're wrong because I don't even know what I'm talking about...I know this though, almost lovers hurt you and hearts don't break even. Full love and a ruler. That's what I'm asking for. I wish...no I don't wish...I will someday learn how to love the right one.

I want to talk about bath tubs. I have a white one at my current home...I like it. Its big enough for me, not that I need a huge on because I'm only 5'2", but I like a tub that I can go all the way under water in. If I had it my way I'd be able to stretch out my feet as well. When I get to the point of owning my own mansion...yes mansion I will put claw food bath tubs in and my christmas trees will be decorated in white lights...that is till I have children...assuming I do. I hope I do. When I have Children they will most likely want colored lights, I will allow this. I will also make then pancakes every Saturday morning. I wont force them to wear those awful pajamas with the feet covered. I wont ever let them get cold. Warm children.

the man that just walked by my window said "any day we're hanging out, I don't want to hear any singing or dancing". I'm trying not to pull apart his grammar. GAHHHH. lights out.

State of Board.

what to write about when one is not in misery...? I can fool them, but I'm always stuck with the truth of myself. Misery. What a word. What a feeling. Maybe its not so much misery as it is too many choices. Too many choices creates misery...No, it creates confusion...it throws one into circles, debates, struggles...if I choose this one then I get this, this and this...but I might miss out on this...its not misery... its a way to keep us trapped, which in my mind is misery? Its a way we keep ourselves trapped. Trapped? hmm...is one ever really trapped? maybe one could be trapped on an island...no, not really you still have the option to swim off. You risk dying and possible pain but you still have the choice to leave. Question answered. We always have a choice....to MANY. Good god, another circle....But at least I know now that it is only "I" that can keep my self in this "misery". I have to say....my you look lovey when you speak to me...I happen to like your teeth a lot. I like the surprised look you give me when I'm doing something silly or saying something awkward like I usually do. I bet you're wonder if I'm writing this about you. I'm writing this about all of you. I'm done writing this nonsense...off to work on my very limited resume.

getting by...by getting.

I had a dream last night. I was dead. Watching my dead self. Dead asleep. Sleep. Falling into sleep. I feel desperate still at times...but I'm practicing self control. Control. Such a hard thing to grasp. I feel like I should be a certain way still...at times I am a certain way...other times I am a very uncertain way. Oh for the sake of it. For the sake of telling a good story. For the sake of the song. Long movements, forced words, giving up my body for a few scars. I don't want you. I want me. I want a conversation. I want a pretty sky, I want, I want I want. How selfish of me....its about time. Mirrors. Oh mirrors. Sometimes everything is so much clearer through a mirror. Ask me what wrong with you...I'll tell you at least 10 things from worse to horrible...it gets better? no. Ask me what's wrong with me...I'll dodge and weave go in circles....like I said, hand me down. The funny thing is...no one is handing me down right now, They're reaching for me. It's strange. I don't know what to do with it, I don't know if I like it. Love is misery in my mind. My mind has no love. Love is bigger then my mind and will eventually tell my mind whose boss. My mind and me are not getting a long at the moment ....SEE! there...My mind is not me...I am not my mind. Thank god for gravity...I'd be a mess with out it.

I never wanted much from anyone...I demand things of myself, but for you l'll keep it simple. It started with white sheets, a kiss on the forehead, and breakfast and a conversation that moves. This is what I want. Have wanted, and will want. Red dirt hurts when it gets in your eyes...so does salt water. I'm not lonely but I still feel alone. I'm not restless, but I feel the adrenaline. I'm not at a standstill but I'm standing. Lay me down. I want some fiddle in my life.