Everything I want to say...Stephan Jenkins already said.

I remember you and me used to spend the whole goddamn day in bed. NOT. I'm wounded...everything moves in slow motion. Anything for you, till my castles blue. I would like to build something, but you'll never see it happen. Burning. Because I live to be....you're making me want you, blinded, I keep on forgetting myself. Just give me a call when you feel better. Shit. I'm blinded when I see you, blinded. I want to fog up your mirror, and go faster...I wanna be you're crystal baller, I wanna show you how it ends. I'm a misfit and I carry you around...in the background. I may be loosing a whole year...I've never felt so alone and I've never felt so alive.  I wanna be good for you, I wanna taste the salt on your skin...but you're a burning man. I wonder how it's gonna be when you don't know me....because I'm almost pretty sure I can take anymore.

love song.

Everything is a love song. Everything is. My floor, my hair, the smells, the rain, the stop lights, the smiles, the secrets, the blankets the smells, the fire, the space. Everything is a love song..... Sweet. Honest. Innocent. Pure. Challenge. Break. Move. Forward. Careful. Open. Knotted. Healing along side someone. Healing. Heal. Wounded.....? yes. Broken....? no. Open...? always. The board was there to balance me, an act of god. No one knows what I'm talking about now...and if you think you do, you're wrong because I don't even know what I'm talking about...I know this though, almost lovers hurt you and hearts don't break even. Full love and a ruler. That's what I'm asking for. I wish...no I don't wish...I will someday learn how to love the right one.

I want to talk about bath tubs. I have a white one at my current home...I like it. Its big enough for me, not that I need a huge on because I'm only 5'2", but I like a tub that I can go all the way under water in. If I had it my way I'd be able to stretch out my feet as well. When I get to the point of owning my own mansion...yes mansion I will put claw food bath tubs in and my christmas trees will be decorated in white lights...that is till I have children...assuming I do. I hope I do. When I have Children they will most likely want colored lights, I will allow this. I will also make then pancakes every Saturday morning. I wont force them to wear those awful pajamas with the feet covered. I wont ever let them get cold. Warm children.

the man that just walked by my window said "any day we're hanging out, I don't want to hear any singing or dancing". I'm trying not to pull apart his grammar. GAHHHH. lights out.

State of Board.

what to write about when one is not in misery...? I can fool them, but I'm always stuck with the truth of myself. Misery. What a word. What a feeling. Maybe its not so much misery as it is too many choices. Too many choices creates misery...No, it creates confusion...it throws one into circles, debates, struggles...if I choose this one then I get this, this and this...but I might miss out on this...its not misery... its a way to keep us trapped, which in my mind is misery? Its a way we keep ourselves trapped. Trapped? hmm...is one ever really trapped? maybe one could be trapped on an island...no, not really you still have the option to swim off. You risk dying and possible pain but you still have the choice to leave. Question answered. We always have a choice....to MANY. Good god, another circle....But at least I know now that it is only "I" that can keep my self in this "misery". I have to say....my you look lovey when you speak to me...I happen to like your teeth a lot. I like the surprised look you give me when I'm doing something silly or saying something awkward like I usually do. I bet you're wonder if I'm writing this about you. I'm writing this about all of you. I'm done writing this nonsense...off to work on my very limited resume.

getting by...by getting.

I had a dream last night. I was dead. Watching my dead self. Dead asleep. Sleep. Falling into sleep. I feel desperate still at times...but I'm practicing self control. Control. Such a hard thing to grasp. I feel like I should be a certain way still...at times I am a certain way...other times I am a very uncertain way. Oh for the sake of it. For the sake of telling a good story. For the sake of the song. Long movements, forced words, giving up my body for a few scars. I don't want you. I want me. I want a conversation. I want a pretty sky, I want, I want I want. How selfish of me....its about time. Mirrors. Oh mirrors. Sometimes everything is so much clearer through a mirror. Ask me what wrong with you...I'll tell you at least 10 things from worse to horrible...it gets better? no. Ask me what's wrong with me...I'll dodge and weave go in circles....like I said, hand me down. The funny thing is...no one is handing me down right now, They're reaching for me. It's strange. I don't know what to do with it, I don't know if I like it. Love is misery in my mind. My mind has no love. Love is bigger then my mind and will eventually tell my mind whose boss. My mind and me are not getting a long at the moment ....SEE! there...My mind is not me...I am not my mind. Thank god for gravity...I'd be a mess with out it.

I never wanted much from anyone...I demand things of myself, but for you l'll keep it simple. It started with white sheets, a kiss on the forehead, and breakfast and a conversation that moves. This is what I want. Have wanted, and will want. Red dirt hurts when it gets in your eyes...so does salt water. I'm not lonely but I still feel alone. I'm not restless, but I feel the adrenaline. I'm not at a standstill but I'm standing. Lay me down. I want some fiddle in my life.

7x7


my body wants to let go of all this...i told you i might be to much...put it right out there in the open if you were listening...i speak in ways that a musician should understand. he'll never read this so i can say what i want. i want you. i want you to want me...to trace me with your words and touch me in circle with your fingers...i want you to spend time on me..i want you to want to taste me. i want purity. love is overrated. purity is where its at. i want to speak how i want and when i want and i want you�� to want to hear me. I WANT.
my eyes stay on you and my heart does too. i know i'm overwhelming...to a point that i don't even understand. when i fall asleep at night i feel guilty and i don't even know why...i feel sad and useless and unworthy..its sad. i'm sad. i have so much stuck inside me and i need someone to help me let it go. i m crying right now and no one will know and i think thats ok...but i need someone to comfort me sometimes...i don’t need them to i guess...it would just feel nice. maybe i should let go and then i’ll get what i need. thats what always happens. they love me once i leave. for once i just want someone to love me from the start...Not start at then end.

formal setting. to not admit. to hide from. lets learn how to disappear completely with no trace of what was one a flicker of light. forget all about everything let it go. speak like you know things argue so people think that you believe in something. be alone because you wont admit that your lonely. And the spiral down begins and spins and spins. One thing is clear but its the thing that you hide from. one thing is right but its the thing you will deny untill the end. BLAH.

Circles.

Circles....the theme in my life for the past 3 years....circles. The men, the music, the life, the drinks, the candy, the thoughts. Circles. It's easy for you to think things into place. You organize those thoughts in that head of yours. Put them in sealed boxes so that you don't get hurt. I'll seal the box with a kiss. I'm sealed. Your crafty but I know your craft. I'm too full of life to sit back and wait. Once, Twice, Three times...daring. You get three trys. I understand, I do. "It's a typical situation in these typical times...to many choices". Well I choose you and that is that. I either get him or I don't but....its set and I'm not going home. I want but I wont be walked on. I'll give but I wont run dry. I am the giving kind and you have me right in front of you ready....but everything comes in good time right? Fuck time. I'm tired of the theme. Tired, tired, tired. I'm tired of writing songs to little boys who don't know what they want till its gone. No more songs wasted on you boys. Shame on me for telling it so twisted. Shame on you for not. "But when she says she loves you....that means a lot". You say "you'd call it love if you could see that far" but you might not ever get there so hurry up. If its not you'll know if it is it will sting. I know you have a list....it's right there in the front of your mind. The pros and the cons.....the things that keep you up at night. Throw it out....cause "we just gotta make this moment a crime".

European Adventures 09

Europe in a nutshell:


I'm in Europe. Been here for a month now...Sitting in a nice little hotel in Barcelona. I had a wonderful little melon for dinner. Lovely just lovely.

I just got back from Paris...Loved it. The best part was spending an evening eating Foie Gras with my friend Mr. Jordan Cohen. We bought some baguettes from a local bakery...got Foie for half off (if you get it two days before the end sale date you get a great price)...bought some sauterne and jam. Perfect meal for the river bank of Paris. I encourage anyone who happens to read this to do that exactly. I also enjoyed our night out at the Highlander a rowdy little underground Bar that stays open way after closing time. They had a D.J. who love ABBA a little too much and very expensive beer (7 euro) but you can't bitch when its 4 in the morning and you still want to drink. They delivered. The bartender also spoke english so that made things easier...




Barcelona Was and is Fantastic. I rented an apartment from http://www.waytostay.com. It was in the perfect area. Barrio Gotic. We loved it. Great Tapas all over the place... walking distance to all the Gaudi you could ever want or need. Very Nice.

Portugal was interesting. Lisbon= non stop party. Lagos= non stop party. We had super cute places to stay. in Lisbon we stayed in a little apartment in the middle of Barrio Alto. If your into nightlife this is the place to be. Great food around here too. In Lagos we stayed inside the old walls so we were walking distance to the nightlife and the beach. If I were to stay here again I would probabley go with a hostel just because its easier to meet people to spend time with. Fun place though...beautiful beaches.

Oh and lets not forget IBIZA! though its known for its crazy clubs and non stop partying, I was really more drawn to the beaches then anything. I got a map with little umbrellas showing where the beaches were and just drove to as many as I could. Love it. I would highly recommend renting a car. It makes your stay much better. There is a great little fruit market in Sant Antoni near the port that I think is really worth checking out. Best watermelons ever!



All in all Europe was fantastic!